St. Louis – Ah, the divorced man—a great-looking woman on each arm, penthouse parties till dawn, socks folded the way he likes them, chrome and glass and black leather furniture, bachelor brunches, a sports car…
 

     Robert Cassidy knows better. Not, he says, that the opposite image is exactly right either: patched sleeves, a one-room hovel in Tulsa, working overtime to pay stacked-up bills while the ex-wife sips daiquiris poolside in Acapulco.

     The truth is that often the divorced man knows no image but his own shattered one, according to Cassidy.

 

     Despite the fact that he has been conditioned to be strong and unemotional, a divorced man can suffer just as much as a divorced woman.

 

     But he holds his head up and may, without much help and encouragement (because he’s not supposed to need it) tries to find himself again.

 

    That was Cassidy many years ago after his own divorce. He vowed if he ever came through it with his wits and his wallet still intact, he would do something else to help other men through the pain of divorce.

 

     He kept that promise and the result is “What Every Man Should Know About Divorce” (New Republic Books).

 

    Cassidy, a pleasant, no-nonsense kind of guy, visited here to talk about his book.  The subject of men and divorce, he pointed out, has been sorely neglected.

 

     “The real problem is that men don’t have anyone to talk to about divorce,” he said. “A man doesn’t talk to another man the way a woman will talk to a woman. Men don’t want other men to know that they’ve lost control. They’re afraid if they do talk about it they will seem less like men.”

 

     Cassidy said the proliferation of support groups for women has pulled a lot of women through the trauma of divorce, but there aren’t that many places a man can, or will, go for help.

 

      After women are divorced, Cassidy said, they hash the whole thing out with other sympathetic women, they cry, and expel their emotions and when it’s all over, they’ve worked it out of their system. “OK,” they say, “now let me get on with building a new life.”

 

     That’s the kind of thing men should do, although Cassidy is realistic enough to know that, for most men, it isn’t just that simple.

 

      In his book, the author tells in a light and readable way, how men can makes things a little easier on themselves by realizing that’s it’s really OK to feel bad.

      The tone of Cassidy’s book is comforting and reassuring.

      “For anyone who’s gone through a divorce,” he writes, “the first days and weeks of separation seem like hell. The heartbreak, the loss, the need to deal with endless details and practical problems all may seem overwhelming.”

       He says in the book that the pain of a divorce is second only to the death of a loved one.

       But acknowledgement of the inner turmoil is only the first step. Dealing with the practical matters may come next.

       “Keep up your work the best you can. As difficult as it may be to report to work every morning, you need that job,” writes Cassidy. “Be prepared for periods of distress and crying jags.”

       He agrees with women’s groups that say housewives not in the workforce are entitled to compensation. They helped earn whatever is in the household, he says.

      “We have to get rid of the ‘fault’ in divorce,” he said. The idea that she’s behaved so abominably over the years that she’s not entitled to a cent is not always the point.”

       On other hand, don’t let yourself be taken to the cleaners, warned Cassidy.
 

     A little legal knowledge and a good lawyer should prevent that, he said, although divorced men are discriminated against—legally, every day. He reports:

     “No matter how bleak the situation appears to be, you can get on with the business of starting a new life for yourself,” he writes. “Perhaps this book will make the passage a little easier for you.”